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“i’m an ally to disabled people!” mhm ok so you’re still masking then? oh you’re not? interesting
#i have a chronic pain disorder and a cancer diagnosis so i am very much still masking and even if i wasn’t disabled myself i’d like to think#that my commitment to allyship and community care would supercede any discomfort that comes from continuing to mask#i see a lot of people who are self described allies who have completely stopped masking. babe you are actively doing harm to disabled people#‘but but but-‘ nope. sorry. covid hasn’t just disappeared. people are very much still dying and becoming disabled from it#if you wanna be an ally you can’t just say shit. you have to prove it#i don’t go places bc they’re inaccessible usually but also bc people don’t mask and going anywhere means im putting myself at risk#the studies coming out about this disease are horrifying too#anyway. rant over. wear your masks#covid tw#ableism
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please please please please please please please (I'm being very normal about this idea and I didn't even go ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ inside my head very loudly when I saw these tags (I'm very lying))
SHFJFKFH okay!!! on it boss!! o7 <- salute
#asks#idk it's not even a full idea yet and it's probably me projecting more than anything but i just have it tucked away in my brain#wilson having psychotic depression my beloved ...... i will care for u. through house caring for you <3#its SOO.. ohhh i love it. wilson not realising how deep his depression has gotten. wilson in such a structured routine#he sees no problem with his bad habits. (he's also autistic on the sly but we don't need to talk about that)#wilson magical thinking his way through cancer patients. wilson hallucinating dead and alive patients and freaking out#wilson coming into work half dissociated and completely fucking out of it . wilson panicking about being sectioned#wilson on his worst day missing work because the paranoia + the guilt is so bad#house finding him . “we need to go to the hospital” “no no no no” <- KILL ME.#guys im so normal. whatever
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i legitimately do not know how i have persisted under all this grief and i fear i won’t be able to for much longer
#it is like everything has been crashing down on me lately#everything happened in such quick succession that i had no time to even begin to process or cope#sibling went missing in ‘19. just gone. still don’t know what happened to them.#my mom had her stoke in ‘21 went into a coma for months made it out relatively okay only to be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer months later#then she passed late ‘22#not even 6 months later my dad passed completely unexpectedly#had to give up my dogs bc i could not take care of them on my own/we can’t have pets here#then my cat died a couple months ago#all i have left is my brother and our relationship is rocky at best to the point he’s physically hurt me and idk if we can ever recover from#all that#extended family on my dad’s side never gave a single shit abt us bc we were poor so i have zero relationship with them#my mother’s side is all dead#i really truly have nothing. EVERY single thing was taken from me in the span of 5 years#i try to foster the relationship i have w my brother but it’s genuinely bad for me mentally and physically at times#like how am i even supposed to move forward. what the fuck is left#i’ve been suicidal since 8 years old and every year it just gets fucking worse#i have no hopes or dreams or motivation to stay alive whatsoever#el oh el#death tw
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visiting my mother. idk what i expected lol
#everyone is fucking dying from cancer now#(except for the one who should be lol my grandma's cancer is benign turns out.#worst person ever award goes to me as always but if someone should die it should be her. there. i said it.#they never should have tried to save her from that stroke)#anyway it's unfair af and my mom doesn't deserve this but again. im the worst person ever but i cant fucking deal with this#i cannot be someone's emotional support. least of all hers. when im in this mental state myself.#obv i should never ever have children. but if i do. id rather fucking kms than cry in front of them. never ever ever ever.#call me a heartless bitch ig but at this point i think ive really stopped caring#i wish this wasnt happening to us i wish i were never born or at the very least i wish i had any siblings#with whom i could share the responsibility. but i dont. im fucking alone man. completely and utterly alone in this.#its all on me and im not up to the task and i hate that its asked of me in the first place.#spoiled ungrateful little brat alert but i just cant. cant bring myself to do this cant bring myself to truly care i genuinely feel nothing#i cant bring myself to stop being selfish in this. who tf knows maybe i do have npd it would explain a lot lol
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🦋
#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family#on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know.#she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me.#&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me#into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way#after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public#that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later#after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her#&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault.#so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally#everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao.#&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad#about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY.#i do not fucking UNDERSTAND.#i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why.#the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all#while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me.#but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime#&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool.#a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.
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went through the (by far) worst 2 weeks of my life but im still getting out of bed and trying to do things. Rare mental health win
#my cat w chronic kidney disease suddenly got worse and passed away.#meanwhile his brother got sick too and the vets didnt know what it could be after many exams#and then finally after multiple trips to the vet hospital we found out he has late stage cancer#and MeanWhilEeee the house gf + i were renting got completely unlivable and we had to move out in a rush.#the pumbling and the roof were so fucked up that when a storm came around it like flooded the entire place up#so we quickly got my dying cat and his sick brother and temporarily moved in w my family and my dad is a transphobic ass#who has never even said hi to my gf literally 👍👍👍👍 he avoids us like the fucking plague and i hate his guts so much :-)#so now we're mourning titi while his brother luli is mourning too he keeps trying to look for his brother he has never been alone like this#+++ the entirety of my savings + bank account got completely wiped clean after all the vet and hospital visits for my babies#so now we're 100% broke and sad in mourning and living in a hostile home that isnt ours w my dad who hates us . But still....#but still .......#im making sure my cat Luli purrs everyday. im making sure my gf smiles everyday . she makes sure i do to .#we're taking care of each other and doing all we can to live in the midst of all this fuckery that happened all at once in our lives#we're looking for a new place to rent in the near future and i cant wait until we get to a new little home to exist and love freely#and pet our cat luli and smooch him and pet hiMmm and hang pictures of his brother titi and remember him and remember him and remember himmn
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arahcuhghsuisk;ld
#hey g its me#dude i am forever caught in a loop of i need to work i need to draw i need to write my stories i need to be making something#i spend so much time just sitting here and not moving and my head hurts#if i'm working i'm not spending time with the things i love#if i spend time with the things i love i cant make enough money#capitalism is a cancer#i wish i knew how to make a wider audience care about my shit enough it would be worth it to work on as a living#instead i am just sitting here again! motionless and frozen by needing to make a choice#both of which are on complete opposite spectrums but both need to be done#though like. my art DOESNT need to be done but work DOES#augh i miss having a job i would physically go to but nothing is close enough to safely walk and we live on a gravel road#cant scooter there#i keep thinking oh well if we could just be living on our own but i can barely make the rent here#the things i'd do to have a roommate we could trust#i wish i had a dedicated workspace augh#this is so much venting sorry...
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giving my sister a very warped idea of what house md is actually about
#txt#'do you think house faked cancer just so he could see wilson in a nurse outfit. dont tell me the actual reason i dont care'#'he also deserves a syringe that is as big as him. to complete the outfit'#honestly such ideas never crossed my mind but still. would be a shame to keep them in our dms#cannot stress enough how im not weird abt these old men so the sexy nursefication of wilson came out of NOWHERE#things i didnt expect: my sister who has never watched this show explaining in detail abt how this would go down#(the answer is a wilson dream/nightmare where he can play saviornurse as much as he wants)
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So the lunch was yesterday that my husband went to and he lied to everyone and said I had a stomach ache to save face and that's why I wasn't there and they had the guts to put my name on a physical paper for taking care of his mom. I'm scheduled for Tuesdays with my husband and his brother and I'm like I did not agree to this so I will not be going but also why does that woman need more than one person to take care of her?
Anyways made a FB post so everyone could finally know how I was suffering and how unsupported I am here. I wasn't mean or rude In the post just honest. Mostly a public way to protect myself from any backlash for not helping his mom. Like hey I'm pregnant and can't drink water or breath good, I don't think I should be helping her. Funny how no one in the wrong has liked it or said anything but everyone else has reached out which has been nice. My husband's dads gf who still talks to me even though he has passed on is taking me out to dinner Friday and were having a girls night. So if anything that post showed me who my village is and it's not my husband's mom or siblings.
#she has surgery Thursday and i decided i am not going with my husband to see her#he cna go by himself#i refuse to sit in a car for an hour to get to the hospital#she has lost any amount of caring i had#she has colon cancer so i cant call her out of do anything without looking like a jerk#so ill just remove myself completely from her#makes me mad though cause when his dad was dying he didnt get a schedule of who takes care of him#my husband and i had to move acroos the country and do it ourselves#so honestly if anyone says anything I'll just throw that in their face
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Gather around, my young friends and fellow dinosaurs, let me tell you about some BULLSHIT no one ever tells you about. I'm talking about menopause and perimenopause. Now, menopause has a very stringent medical definition. You have to not have had a period for exactly 12 months and a day to be considered in menopause. All the bullshit before that day once you start going through The Change is considered perimenopause. Here's some bullshit you might experience that people actually talk about when you're in perimenopause:
- shorter time between periods
- irregular periods
- hot flashes and/or cold flashes
- fucked up sleep
- OMG NIGHT SWEATS
- Vagina as dry as the Sahara desert
- lighter periods and/or endless bleeding like it's The Flood but it's in your pants
- lack of interest in Adult Fun Times
This time of joy can last anywhere from a couple of years to a god damn decade and there's no medical way right now to predict it.
Here's some of the REAL bullshit they don't tell you about but your dinosaur aunt is here to let you know:
- You can start perimenopause in your 30s, don't listen to idiot doctors who tell you you're "too young" because they don't know your body like you do.
- Perimenopause will make you HELLA DUMB. Seriously, I'm talking Bigly broken brain. Brain fog? Check. Short term memory? Wave goodbye to it. Ability to make words form out of thoughts? Yeah, good luck to you.
- Perimenopause can cause horrible fatigue because in addition to losing estrogen, you're also losing testosterone. Oh and that also leads to muscle wasting, cool cool.
- Things might suddenly hurt more because estrogen is known to be neuroprotective.
- If you're super lucky like I am, and like to collect rare illnesses, you might even get Burning Mouth Syndrome 💀
- And meanwhile, while you're going through this bullshit, you'll be getting gaslit by doctors who are operating based on 30 year old debunked data about how HRT causes breast cancer (not really) and that they shouldn't put you on it until you're in actual menopause. (Data shows starting HRT early can potentially prevent Alzheimer's in later years.)
- There are entire online clinics right now (I use Midi Health) focused on providing care for peri and menopausal patients and they will happily prescribe you HRT even if your regular PCP or OBGYN do not (if you meet the criteria). I've been pretty impressed with how holistically they view the patient. For full disclosure, I learned about them from my integrative health doctor and they do not accept Medicare (yet).
I'm 46 years old right now and I've been symptomatic for perimenopause for the last 8 years, although it's gotten the most dramatic in the past 2 years or so, which I hope means I'm almost done, holy hell. Yeah I was on the early side, but if it can happen to me, it can happen to you, so it's never too early to think about these things. And I hope to at least spare some of you the mind-fuckery I've been through because no one told me about most of this stuff, including my own mother who just DOESN'T REMEMBER what happened to her and now I completely understand why. And because I also have a connective tissue disease, I used to just dismiss my pain and fatigue as being caused by that illness rather than the loss of hormones.
Anyways, this is why we need Elders in our lives, so they can do Grandma Story Hour like I just did and validate you when the entire medical field tries to gaslight you. I hope you've found some or all of this educational/useful. Please share with your friends because we really do NOT talk about this stuff enough. (Ewwww Moon Blood!)
Stay well, and don't let the bastards grind you down!
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Balaji Hospital | Oncology Surgery Experts for Cancer Treatment
Balaji Hospital's Onco Surgery with a specialized team of oncology surgeons offering cancer treatment solutions, personalized care & with multidisciplinary teams
#Complete cancer care#Onco Physician#Multi disciplinary treatment to rehabilitation#Onco Surgery#Chest Physician#Diseases related to hormones#Endocrinologist#Infectious diseases#Vadodara#Gujarat#India
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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Are you okay?
Not really :/
Constantly dealing with one traumatic/chaotic event after another
#moms in the hospital again#we are not on good terms at all honestly she was and is a terrible person to me#but its almost always preventable shit#2nd time in a year that I've had to call 911 for her#because she refused to deal with very easily treatable infections before they became life threatening#she now has terminal cancer for the same reason#she was very obviously sick for nearly 2 years before she finally had to be taken to the ER#rn she has multiple infections and brain swelling+potential sepsis (again) because she refused to go to the hospital for the past week or so#its not that she cannot care for herself at all#she is physically and mentally capable of caring for herself in many ways#at least enough to care for herself on a basic level#but she just refuses to do so#the only reason shes been doing chemo for the past 3 years is so she can smoke more cigarettes#she has been smoking 2-3 packs a day for as long as I have been alive#she hasn't slowed down even a little bit#she has talked/asked/argued with me about cigarettes several times since shes been in the hospital (3 days)#she is the worst addict I have ever known and my whole family was/is filled with all different kinds of addicts#pills alcohol heroin pcp meth#anything you can think of someone in my family is addicted to it/has died from it#her addiction to cigarettes is by far the worst out of everyone#worst addict I have ever met#she could be in a house fire and she would use the flames to light a cigarette before thinking about calling 911#If I could leave I would#I have no way out at the moment#I dont make enough to save up because I am financially supporting 2 people and I make too much for social security to help me#i am also completely alone dealing with all of this shit#i have no friends family only involves themselves when its life or death and i haven't even thought about dating#i don't want to even make friends/date rn because i dont want to bring people around any of this it will ruin any budding friendship anyways#its incredibly fucking isolating#just want to be taken care of sometimes too yknow?
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HELLO..
My name is Jameela Al-Dahdouh from Gaza. I am 70 years old, and I live with my elderly husband, Jamal, who is 76 and unemployed. We are trapped between the walls of fear, despair, and deep sadness due to the ongoing war in Gaza. I am in desperate need of help from every person with a live conscience and a compassionate heart who understands the true meaning of humanity.
I am suffering from cancer, high blood pressure, and diabetes. I have undergone surgeries to remove the affected organs. As a result of the disease, my body has swollen and become severely inflamed. Due to the war in Gaza, I have been unable to continue my required treatment and undergo the necessary surgeries.
I am actively seeking to travel abroad to undergo the necessary surgeries and complete the required doses of treatment.
I dream of receiving the medical care needed to continue living a dignified life with my husband, where we can feel safe and stable. Please help me achieve this dream through your kind donations, which will undoubtedly have a tremendous impact in saving my life.
The funds raised will be used for:
• Food and water, ensuring access to daily necessities.
• Traveling to receive the necessary medical services and undergo the required surgeries as prescribed by specialist doctors.
• Medical treatments, ensuring the provision of essential healthcare supplies and required medications.
A Message from Jameela and Her Husband
"I have always believed in the kindness of others and the strength of community. This situation is something I never imagined, but I know that with your kind help, we can find hope and stability again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any support you can provide."
Every Contribution Matters
No donation is too small; every contribution brings us one step closer to relief and a better future. Even if you are unable to contribute financially, sharing this campaign with your network can make a significant difference.
Gratitude and Appreciation
Thank you for taking the time to read our story and for your generous kindness. You can help us overcome these difficult times.
#free palestine#save palestine#palestinian genocide#i stand with palestine#all eyes on palestine#pray for palestine#free gaza#gaza genocide#gazaunderattack#gaza strip#queer community
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i hate having death related ocd
#harmless breast cysts run in my family and i have them myself and its so hard to not freak out about it#especially since i havent had the chance to get them checked out#and as more time passes since ive discovered the cysts i cant help but wonder if ive missed the early treatable stages of breast cancer#and now im dying#its so scary#and usually the cysts are completely painless but theyve been aching lately and its freaking me out#all i can imagine every second of the day is saying goodbye to my loved ones on my deathbed#or having to break the bad news to them#aaagghhh#i hate this i hate this i hate this#i hate it i hate death related ocd i hate that i cant go a few minutes without picturing it#what am i going to tell everyone if it turns out its true?#i need to make an appointment soon#please god i dont want to fucking die lonely and sad and having contributed nothing useful to society#i dont care if its benign i want this cyst GONE#its been the source of so much pain and anxiety over the years#i can feel it weighing on my chest#i can literally feel the horrible lump it forms inside me even when i dont touch it#horrible. horrible. horrible.#someone please help me i dont know how to handle this
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